Apparently "Philly Steak & Cheese Croissant Crust" is an actual flavor of Hot Pocket. I learned this because it's one of the flavors of Hot Pocket that Nestle recalled yesterday due to concerns about
diseased meat.
I suppose that's just a given, right? I mean, I can't imagine anyone's surprised by the diseased Hot Pocket meat.
But Hot Pockets-brand yummy non-food pockets is owned by Nestle? Didn't see that coming. Though it's really not much of a shock; after all, Nestle already makes shitty, low grade industrial chocolate, so why not diversify into shitty, low grade industrial frozen food.
Mmmm-mmmm. Multi-national conglomerate treats.
But the thing that really caught me off-guard about the whole affair was Hot Pockets' heart-warming commitment to multiculturalism. After all, a Philly Cheese Steak's about as American as it gets. Even if it's mislabled as a "Philly Steak & Cheese."
Actually, ya know what? Mislabeling it just makes it even more American.
But this ain't no regular, star-spangled, born on the Fourth of July Hot Pocket we're talkin' about here. No siree Bob. Let's put a beret on that sucker and wrap it up in a croissant crust. Then squeeze in some extra gooey, low-fat, I-talian mozzarella cheese.
Because, of course.
And kudos to them. It's not every day you get to degrade the cuisine of three different cultures all at once. Proof positive that we truly are living in a post-racial America. Or maybe just a post-food America.
I gave up eating meat nearly 20 years ago. I don't pretend I'm not missing out; I remember how goddamn good bacon tastes. And ham. I have foggy memories of ham.
But there are some upsides. My blood pressure is wicked good. My poop is super high quality.
And I've never tried a Hot Pocket.
If I were still a meat eater, no doubt I'd be intimately familiar with them. Looks exactly like the kinda thing I'd shove down my crumb pipe on a Tuesday night, getting home late and half-zombified after teaching for five and a half hours.
But alas, I have no idea what a Hot Pocket tastes like. Well, truthfully, I probably have some idea. I've eaten enough processed food to take an educated guess. I'm pretty confident that it's super salty, soa
ked through with grease, and that the pocket tastes like, well, an actual pocket. But the culinary nuances of the Philly Steak & Cheese Croissant Crust Hot Pocket are beyond me.
And so I turn to you, dear readers, to fill me in. If you would be so kind, please share with me the finer elements of the Philly Steak & Cheese Croissant Crust. Is it the ultimate in Hot Pocket taste explosions? Or is there yet another flavor that is clearly its superior?
I live vicariously through you.
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