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Separation and making a list of expectations Posted: 06 Aug 2012 03:14 PM PDT Dobson's sample letter to the spouse that feels trapped and wants out The sample letter and thoughts in blue below (I changed it to fit your circumstance) is the best letter that I have ever seen in regards to a spouse that just is determined that they are trapped and want out The words in black are from Dr. Dobson's book, Love Must Be Tough, Hope for a marriage in crises" Let the Trapped Partner Out Hope for dying marriages is likely to be found in the reconstruction of respect between warring husbands and wives. Opening the Cage Door Perhaps it is now apparent where the present line of reasoning is leading us. If there is hope for dying marriages, and I certainly believe there is, then it is likely to be found in the reconstruction of respect between warring husbands and wives. That requires the vulnerable spouse to open the cage door and let the trapped partner out! All the techniques of containment must end immediately, including manipulative grief, anger, guilt and appeasement. Begging, pleading, crying, hand-wringing and playing the role of the doormat are equally destructive. There may be a time and place for strong feelings to be expressed, and there may be an occasion for quiet tolerance. But these responses must not be used as persuasive devices to hold the drifting partner against his or her will. "John [or Diane], I've been through some very tough moments since you decided that we should seperate. My love for you is so profound that I just couldn't face the possibility of life without you. To a person like me, who expected to married to you for life and to remain committed for life, it is a severe shock to see our relationship begin to unravel. Nevertheless, I have done some intense soul-searching, and I now realize that I have been attempting to hold you against your will. That simply can't be done. As I reflect on our courtship and early years together, I'm reminded that you married me of your own free choice. I did not blackmail you or twist your arm or offer you a bribe. It was a decision you made without pressure from me. Now you say you want to seperate, and obviously, I have to let you go. I'm aware that I can no more force you to stay today than I could have made you marry me. You are free to go. If you never call me again, then I will accept your decision. I admit that this entire experience has been painful, but I'm going to make it. The Lord has been with me thus far and He'll go with me in the future. You and I had some wonderful times together, John. I'll never forget the memories that we shared. I will pray for you and trust that God will guide you in the years ahead." Exerpt originally taken from James Dobson's book, Love Must Be Tough (copyright © 1983, 2007 by James Dobson, Inc.), published by Tyndale House Publishers.

Am so confused what he wants Posted: 06 Aug 2012 01:53 PM PDT Hi everyone. I wish you all well and I can relate to what you are all going through. My husband took a vacation to help his parents move, we used this 3 weeks to think about things as he breaks up with me weekly when we get into a fight. We have separated before and it was so miserable for both of us so we decided to move in together and this year has been all about his career with little time to work through our problems and he says he can't do both his career and our marriage. He got his promotion last week and he says work will get busier now and he can't live in this environment where we are fighting all the time as none of our needs are met. He wants space and to separate again and move into our own places. He has told me that we need to have expectations laid out during this separation as he doesn't want to feel obligated to spend time with me if he needs space or if he wants to work or go to the gym. It has hurt me immensely because he admitted he cannot multi task and that is why when we have problems he can't deal with both work and me. I have felt like he has put our marriage on the back burner because getting his promotion after 6 years at his firm was important for his happiness as he wasn't being appreciated at work. So I suffered this whole year with him working long hours and coming home exhausted and irritated. So it made me feel unloved and not important so I didn't even register his kind gestures when he would do it making him more exhausted and he lost hope that i need help and I should work on myself as he cannot cope in this environment. He says he would be willing to do marriage counselling once a week and when he wants to see me he will let me know and if we both want to see each other we can, but no obligations. It seems his commitment is limited and it hurts me even more making me believe he will only leave in the end. He said that I say this all the time, but I say it because he doesn't make me a priority. He is married to his job. We are both 40 with no kids. I am scared to be single again and start over as it is difficult especially when you can work things out with a marriage that never had a chance to grow. It is like a plant, without water, it will die. he says he loves me very much but doesn't know if it will work. He has asked me to list what I expect during the 3 months and if the counselling doesn't work then what? I don't know what to say without seeming "needy" as he says I need to much, when all I want is love and affection. I support myself fully and don't ask a lot from him but his attention. He feels guilty a lot when he sees me upset and then gives up when I don't register when he is being loving. But I don't know how he feels day to day as it changes depending on his mood. It is painful to go through this but I don't want to rock the boat. He has been a loaner and doesn't socialise a lot only concentrating on his job. He said to me that he realises he can't multi task and would need to if HE ever had children. He didn't include me in that statement. It seems he has no hope but he is willing to try counselling so that's a good sign I guess once a week, but not willing to spend time with me on my terms, only on his terms it seems. I am suppose to speak with him tonight on what I see as my expectations. he said if our expectations aren't congruent then there is no point in doing the counselling and that we could call it quits. This is our second separation. I am 40, no kids and I am so scared to be out there on my own and I will miss him even though I didn't get my needs met. Anyone have any suggestions for me? It would be so helpful to hear what your thoughts are.

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